


Sequins & Purple Paint

by Taste_of_Suburbia



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angry Rhys, Crack, Crossdressing, F/M, Family, Friendship, Humor, Karaoke, M/M, Protective Gwen, Protective Rhys, Purple Cow, Romance, singing ianto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-29
Updated: 2012-09-29
Packaged: 2017-11-15 06:06:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/523964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taste_of_Suburbia/pseuds/Taste_of_Suburbia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Is it too much to ask for Gwen to simply leave that freaky alien stuff at work? Rhys guesses it is, even if this may not be alien like, at least, it doesn't seem to be…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sequins & Purple Paint

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the prompt 'Gwen/Rhys ~ "Baby? There is a purple cow in our bathroom' over at Code Monkeys on LJ. It's set after the S2 episode 'Something Borrowed'. I've wanted to write some Torchwood for a while, since I adore the series, especially Ianto, inspiration just hasn't struck me till now. I also wanted to write something slightly humorous, since I'm normally an angst girl. Hope you enjoy it & a very happy New Year's Eve to all!

Rhys usually was home early; job hours short and not apt to hang out with his buddies when he could come home and cuddle with his wife instead. He fantasized about her all day; long romantic dinners, steamy sex in the shower, entwining their bodies together on the couch to settle into a nice movie. It was the perfect life, despite what little time they spent together and Rhys’ only starting out acceptance of the aliens that dwelled everywhere. 

Come on, it would take a while for anyone to get used to that. 

He thought he was a pretty good boyfriend, husband, anyone else would probably have rejected Gwen and all her confessions the day they got married. But he, he knew that his love for Gwen was everything to him. And even if he found out the world was ending and she was the cause of it, he would always stick by her side. 

Something had come up at work and he had been the one to take care of it, so he found himself rushing and just hoping that Gwen had stayed up for him. Then again, he always stayed up for her. 

His fingers stuck the key in the lock sloppily and he yanked the door open, slamming it shut. He glanced at his watch, 'Shit, it's already 9 o’clock.'

"Gwen!"

"In here!" The response was instantaneous, coming from the bathroom and he couldn't stop his smile from taking over as it always did when he either heard her voice or looked upon her. 

Rhys threw his keys down on the table, slid his jacket off and headed for the kitchen. His hands closed upon a bottle of wine and he popped the cork open, grinning as he poured each of them a glass, holding one up for her in anticipation. 

This was looking up to be a bloody good night after all. 

Three minutes later and she was quietly slinking out of the bathroom, a lingerie piece of black satin adorning her skinny figure, stopping nearly as soon as she exited the bathroom and twirling around to let Rhys see every angle of her. 

Well, not quite every angle. 

The boyfriend grinned wickedly, taking in as much of her as he could handle before he couldn't resist the temptation anymore, taking his cue to saunter forward, eyeing her in amazement as she met him halfway. 

"Hey there, delivery boy."

"Hello there, supreme fighter of all alien life forms."

Gwen giggled and filled the remaining space left between her and her husband, the love of her life. She wrapped an arm around his neck and kissed him deeply, enjoying the sensation of him pressing closer to her, his breath on her neck so warm and real when they pulled away, his happiness and love for her emanating from his every pore and mixing with all of those same emotions from her, becoming one massive powerful thing that no inhuman creature could destroy. 

That had already been tested, and they had come out on the other side gloriously victorious. Married and more in love than ever before. 

She was already thinking about having kids with him. A child made from both her and Rhys would be beautiful, of that she was sure of. Because Rhys was beautiful. 

"I think I shall have that wine now."

He handed her the glass and followed her towards the kitchen, watching her set the table and dish out spaghetti and meatballs. 

"Mmm," he breathed in the smell wafting from the plate set before him, "always love it when you cook."

He leaned forward to kiss her gently before they both dug into their dinner. 

 

Fifteen minutes later and they were curled up on the couch, TV off, listening to classical music and allowing themselves after a long day to simply relax into each other, fingers entwined as they continued to sip wine, each thinking their own thoughts of the future to come, a distinct entity from Torchwood. Well, as distinct as they could get it. 

More than anything, Rhys knew who Gwen was and respected and loved her all the more for it. Sure, some days he could get very pissed off at her job, specifically her boss, primarily the fact that she could never seem to let work go like he could when she returned home. But now, in this moment, Gwen was all his, body and soul. He could easily tell when her thoughts were on Torchwood and when they were not. 

And this, right here, was one of those rare and beautiful moments. 

He took what he could get after all, knowing he was all the luckier man for it. 

After a while Rhys wanted to go get cleaned up, so he reluctantly let go of Gwen, she even more hesitant than him to lose him so soon. He planned to be as quick as possible in the bathroom so they could move on to other, better things in the bedroom. 

As soon as he closed the door behind him and turned around towards the mirror, he wasn't exactly scared but altogether wasn't too happy about it either. 

"Baby, there is a purple cow in our bathroom."

"What?"

And of course Gwen wouldn't take him seriously, even if she did hunt down aliens for a living. 

Either Rhys spaced out for several slightly terrified and just as curious moments, or Gwen could run considerably faster than he would have ever guessed, which shouldn’t be all too surprising since nothing with Gwen was really surprising anymore, not since that huge revelation barely two weeks back, for she was leaning against the doorframe faster than he could take a decent breath. 

“Gwen…”

“Quiet," she hissed, taking a hesitant step into the bathroom and attempting to push Rhys protectively behind her, trying to take over his expectant role.

He didn’t budge though, despite the fact that she was entirely more capable to handle these kinds of things than he was, it still didn’t erase the fact that he was a man, supposed to protect his wife and step in front of her, not the other way around, when some unknown creature threatened their home and primarily… her. 

Rhys pretty much knew by these last couple weeks though, that Gwen would not allow anything of the sort, so they would just have to share responsibility side by side, hands perilously close but not quite touching as both sets of mouths dropped open, staring at the sight before them. 

“It is… purple, isn’t it?”

Gwen looked just as amazed and slightly fearful as he was, which shouldn’t be allowed considering all she had to put up with day in and day out. It didn’t place anymore fear in Rhys’ mind though, it merely meant that they were on the same page now, something he’s been wanting for literally ages. 

Bloody hell though, it had to happen like this?

He finally came back to his senses, answering her a little hesitantly, “I believe so.”

Gwen let out a huge breath, struggling to stay calm and in her right mind, her body only half shielding her husband now. He looked over at her a little, trying to gauge her reaction, see if there was a flicker of knowledge in her eyes, or at least a sense of knowing what she, they should do, what should really happen next. 

Then the cow mooed and both simultaneously took a step forward, figuring this was merely a purple cow and nothing else. Maybe they were being pretty ridiculous and this had nothing to do with aliens or Torchwood at all. Maybe there was a just a lilac colored cow, to be specific, in their bathtub staring at them like all was right in the world. 

Rhys was flickering in and out of his head, between reality and his justifications for this situation, this creature or maybe just animal that some person had painted as a sick job and then somehow managed to get into their bathtub. 

How though? Gwen had been in the bathroom earlier and it wasn’t in there then. It was impossible to think someone could manage to get it in there after that, while they were merely a few feet away, eating dinner in the kitchen. 

Surely, they would have heard something?

The next time Rhys came back, his wife was reaching out and a surge of unadulterated panic rose up within him, stronger than he had felt in weeks. He desperately reached for her hand and pulled it back, just before she could brush the cow and god knows what could possibly happen to her. 

“What are you doing?” He demanded as she turned to her. 

She asked innocently, “What?”

“Don’t go touching it," he spat out, “we don’t even know what it is yet so don’t you dare take responsibility and figure you can make me worry like that.” 

Gwen looked exasperated, “I’m sure it’s just a cow, a purple one at that. It has to be, doesn’t it? I mean, come on, Rhys? It can’t seriously be an alien, it looks so real…”

She started reaching for it again and Rhys blocked her with his body this time, crossing his arms and trying not to think about the cow behind him, inches away from his back. 

“No way," he shook his head furiously, “you call, Jack. See what he has to say about it. As a matter of fact he’s probably the cause of this.”

“You can’t be serious, Rhys.”

After giving her his best serious look and making sure she knew he wasn’t budging for a moment, for to do so would put her life at considerable risk, she sighed loudly and quickly retreated from the bathroom. He followed her, waiting anxiously as she picked up her cell phone and dialed her boss, looking up at him, biting her fingernails as it began dialing. 

“Hello?” His voice came on and before she could answer Rhys spoke. 

“Put it on speaker," he demanded, watching her hesitation before giving in and figuring it was best. 

She’d been thinking about that a lot lately, that maybe it was better if they began doing things together if it directly involved the both of them. 

After all, they turned out alright last time. 

She pressed the button and laid the phone out on the coffee table. Immediately, strange sounds came pouring out from the receiving end, voices and noises that the couple could scarcely make out yet caused them to stare at each other not only curiously for several seconds, but also wondering what was really happening at the other end. 

It sounded like karaoke, though Gwen could be mistaken. 

What it really sounded like was Ianto singing something and Jack laughing. 

That’s right, those two lovebirds tended to spend every moment together now, she was just glad she didn’t catch them while they were having sex. Though that moment was no doubt coming. 

“Jack!”

He shouted over the music after laughing hysterically again, “Gwen, is that you?”

“Yeah, Jack," she looked up at Rhys’ slightly angered look. 

Great, that was just what she needed, her husband and the love of her life to grow even more suspicious of her boss and his motives. As if he wasn’t suspicious enough. 

“Ianto, it’s Gwen!” Jack went on. 

She heard Ianto’s slightly muffled voice, “Hey, Gwen.”

“What are you two doing over there?”

Jack started laughing again and there was a loud smack which she suspected was maybe him falling off a chair. She shrugged at Rhys and only hoped this conversation would go faster, since the both of them had a serious situation to take care of and little time. 

They certainly didn’t want to waste this night. 

“I bet you didn’t know that Ianto’s killer at karaoke, and looks absolutely stunning in a dress if I do say so myself!” 

“No," she stated slightly uneasily, “I didn’t know that.”

Oh my gosh. Ianto? In a dress? She definitely called on the absolute wrong night. 

“You should really come over, Gwen! We’re having such a blast!”

“That’s great, Jack," she caught Rhys’ gaze again, noticing how he was growing more irritated by the second, “but, uh. We kinda have a situation over here.”

“Oh my god, Ianto! Stop… seriously!”

Her boss disturbed her more and more as each day went by, she highly doubted she would be able to face him tomorrow at work, including Ianto, after this. 

Gwen looked up, wincing and vowing to not look at Rhys again till this whole situation was settled. 

“Jack, there’s a purple cow in our bathroom!”

What else could she really do, and how else could she actually put it?

There was silence for several moments before Jack started laughing uncontrollably again, leading Gwen to roll her eyes and throw her hands up in the air, exasperated and half determined to let Rhys deal with all this mess. 

Seriously, they fought aliens every single day and now that a cow comes into the picture, a purple cow that is, showing up mysteriously in their bathtub that she and Rhys are only supposed to share for romantic reasons, not with some painted cow that was mooing at that very moment, and Jack could not take her at her word?

Where else was Gwen even supposed to go?

Then Ianto’s voice came on the phone, shouting over Jack’s laughter, “Did you say purple?”

Gwen frantically picked up the phone again, “Yes. Why, did you lose a pink one somewhere?”

Of course Ianto would know about this whole mess, he often was an expert on the strangest of things. This, she supposed, would be no exception, which was why she found a very hard time not letting sarcasm show through her voice and in the end, her efforts didn’t exactly pay off. 

“No, it’s just…”

“What, Ianto?”

He hastily spoke, “Tosh found this device a while back, before you were even here of course, that could literally materialize anything one’s heart could desire.”

She just stared at the phone, “Are you saying that either I or Rhys wanted a purple cow?”

There was absolute silence, well, other than Jack’s slowly calming down laughter. 

“We gotta go," Jack shouted into the phone suddenly, “the night’s just begun.”

Before Gwen could even react and demand the two that they both stay on the line, her husband abruptly walked over to the end table and took action. 

“Oh no you don’t," Rhys snatched the phone up and shouted into it, “you send your tea boy right down here this very moment and get him to take care of this situation.   
Meanwhile, you can figure out some way to transport this… thing out of here. Got it, Jack?”

And that right there, made Gwen so proud of her man, wanting to drag him over to their bedroom and have her way with him right then and there. Not exactly an ideal time for that though. 

“Sure thing," Jack immediately responded, coming back down to his senses with Rhys’ very pissed off tone, “we’ll be over there in twenty.”

“I’ll be waiting," Rhys hung up and threw her cell phone down on the couch, allowing his wife to see a small amount of relief show on his face, knowing it would calm the both of them down a little. 

“And now we wait," she collapsed on the couch and Rhys followed her, wrapping his warm and comforting arms around her. 

“And now we wait," he repeated after her.

 

It was only fifteen minutes later that Jack showed up, Ianto following closely behind and giving Gwen a reassuring smile as he followed his boss and boyfriend into the bathroom. They were tugging the cow out five minutes later, Jack holding the leash that led to a collar around the animal’s neck and leading it out of their apartment. 

Jack winked at Rhys, who was standing and still had his arms wrapped around Gwen, before he left their apartment entirely and she could feel her husband fight down his anger, probably figuring it was just better to let both him and the cow go. He never wanted to see either ever again though Jack was not so easy to get rid of, considering he was his wife’s boss and all. 

Ianto stuck around for another minute. 

“Thanks, Ianto," she smiled and gave him a small hug, ignoring Rhys beside her who was still tense, angry, and just about ready to shove Ianto out the door. 

“Where are you taking it anyway?”

Ianto faced him, “Dunno. Jack said he’d take care of it. See you tomorrow, Gwen.”

“Bye, Ianto," she watched him head for the door but before he was out of sight, finally decided to bring out the humor in the moment to officially let the whole purple cow thing go. 

“By the way, Jack was right. You do look stunning in that dress.”

He smiled and closed the door behind him. Gwen started to giggle then broke into full out laughter at the vivid red dress adorned with sparkles and sequins the tea boy she was forced to see every day had decided to come out wearing. 

Rhys’ tension dissipated and he laughed beside her as well, grinning as he led her into the bedroom and softly shut the door behind the both of them. 

Sequins and sparkles… purple cows… maybe this night shouldn’t have been so serious after all…

**FIN**


End file.
